Here stands the ladder i must climb, one shaky step at a time. The first is the hardest to do so.
I just do a sort of a small pep talk ” this is it, either u do this or u quit and go back to moping and being depressed.”
After that the second and third are okay.
Fourth one on it again becomes crazy scary. And i keep shaking in my shoes every second. But then the alternative is much much worse. And even when my head keeps telling me to get off, i just grit my teeth and stay on the ladder to draw or paint.
Have realised that life would be worthless if I wasn’t being active and creative.
While walking back home from the bus stop, it dawned on me that if i were to die now, i would be at peace with that. The constant deep hunger for that elusive something missing in my life is not there anymore. I am not at war with my identity anymore.
Six rungs of the ladder. Thats all I have dared try. Will someday step on the seventh..